Many in Seattle and across the northwest have read, shared, and reacted with shock to last weekend’s New Yorker article concerning the large-scale seismic event brewing beneath our region. While skeptics and scientists may quibble over details, one thing remains clear: when the next Really Big One hits, however extensive the devastation, Phish will still be mediocre.

“Our operating assumption is that everything west of Interstate 5 will be toast.” said FEMA Director Kenneth Murphy, adding “Whether or not that will be the case remains to be seen but, regardless of the outcome, we’re confident Phish will continue to produce music at a barely competent level.”

While failures in basic infrastructure such as electrical outages, water shortages, and bridge collapses are certain to occur to some degree, the more dramatic aspects of the doomsday scenario have come under fire from seismic experts. Scientists agree any resulting tsunami would play an insignificant role in the Puget Sound’s aftermath, and that the more realistic and dangerous catastrophe will be created by any subsequent Phish improvisations, which scientists liken to an ESL poetry slam.

“It’s clear there’s a limited vocabulary at play.” explained Debbie Goetz of Seattle’s Emergency Management Office who, when asked how best to prepare for and survive a Phish improvisation, recommended residents keep a 7-to-10 day supply of food, water, and essentials along with some supplies at work and in their car. “Smartest plan—take a protective action, keep yourself safe, check on others, and help them afterwards.”